![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venetia_sassyYesterday (before my last acupuncture appointment for a month!) we stopped at an outlet of the same rug store we bought the living room rug from. Having seen the big difference it made, I thought Mum might have been right about a rug being good in my bedroom. Plus, there was the pre-Christmas sale.
Well, we looked at the machine-made rugs - but once you've seen handmade ones, machine-made is really second best. So we looked at the handmade and they were gorgeous and there many colours and patterns and I picked out half-a-dozen or so to look at. Then the guy unrolled some silk rugs. They were gorgeous. And far more expensive, naturally. But hey, I picked out a few to look at, why not. Hah.
We'd just got home when the rug guy arrived to demonstrate(?) the rugs in my room. Several were nice, one was possible, several were no ... then came the silk rugs. Mum loved the third grade one. I though it was nice but it didn't 'speak' to me. The second grade was beautiful and the first grade one was amazing. Have you ever felt a silk rug? Oh my. They feel soooo nice.
(I said to Mum, 'This is all your fault!'
Mum: 'What did I do?!'
Me: 'You showed me the difference between machine rugs and handmade! Of course this happened!'
Mum: 'Well. Yes.')
I sat there dithering about the two and finally decided that the first grade one belonged on a wall not my bedroom floor. It was glorious but the second grade is better for my room and I don't feel guilty about walking on it. Plus, I really couldn't justify the price of the first to myself, even on sale.
The one I bought is a silk Kashmir rug, in a Tree of Life pattern with rose pink, aqua, browns, creams. It's so beautiful and it's heaven to walk on. (I woke up last night and actually reached my foot out of bed to touch the rug. I wanted to know if it really felt as good as I thought it did.*g*) I can easily see myself having this rug for decades. I can't find any pictures that are quite right but this shows a similar pattern. Wrong colors though. These are closer. And silk rugs do not photograph well (or easily, at any rate.) So many of them look faded in photos. But look at them in the light and the sheen is amazing. And the way the colours change from different angles is even more dramatic than with wool rugs.
So having paid a deposit last night, today I went to the bank to get cash for the biggest purchase I have ever made except for my halfshare in the living room rug. I also spent part of last night freaking out slightly about spending so much money and spending it on something I don't need. Prior to these my biggest purchases have been my dining table set, my KitchenAid and my mattress (all good buys!) All of those were saved for, paid on layby, etc. This was about as much money as those three put together. And all these things that we've been buying lately freak me out as well. We don't have this kind of money! We are not people who have that kind of money to spend! We can make do! Except that right now we do have the money. And we don't have to make do. Um.
I had something of the same reaction to going on holiday - how could I justify going on holiday? I don't work so why should I get to spend money on something frivolous and enjoyable? If I inherit some money, how can I justify spending some of it on something not actually necessary?
... who exactly am I justifying myself to? And if I can't have holidays and nice things because I'm disabled and can't work, when can I have those things? When I can work full-time? Well, I'd really love for that to become possible but it's not looking likely at the moment. So ... I can never have nice things then?
WTF, self?
Well, we looked at the machine-made rugs - but once you've seen handmade ones, machine-made is really second best. So we looked at the handmade and they were gorgeous and there many colours and patterns and I picked out half-a-dozen or so to look at. Then the guy unrolled some silk rugs. They were gorgeous. And far more expensive, naturally. But hey, I picked out a few to look at, why not. Hah.
We'd just got home when the rug guy arrived to demonstrate(?) the rugs in my room. Several were nice, one was possible, several were no ... then came the silk rugs. Mum loved the third grade one. I though it was nice but it didn't 'speak' to me. The second grade was beautiful and the first grade one was amazing. Have you ever felt a silk rug? Oh my. They feel soooo nice.
(I said to Mum, 'This is all your fault!'
Mum: 'What did I do?!'
Me: 'You showed me the difference between machine rugs and handmade! Of course this happened!'
Mum: 'Well. Yes.')
I sat there dithering about the two and finally decided that the first grade one belonged on a wall not my bedroom floor. It was glorious but the second grade is better for my room and I don't feel guilty about walking on it. Plus, I really couldn't justify the price of the first to myself, even on sale.
The one I bought is a silk Kashmir rug, in a Tree of Life pattern with rose pink, aqua, browns, creams. It's so beautiful and it's heaven to walk on. (I woke up last night and actually reached my foot out of bed to touch the rug. I wanted to know if it really felt as good as I thought it did.*g*) I can easily see myself having this rug for decades. I can't find any pictures that are quite right but this shows a similar pattern. Wrong colors though. These are closer. And silk rugs do not photograph well (or easily, at any rate.) So many of them look faded in photos. But look at them in the light and the sheen is amazing. And the way the colours change from different angles is even more dramatic than with wool rugs.
So having paid a deposit last night, today I went to the bank to get cash for the biggest purchase I have ever made except for my halfshare in the living room rug. I also spent part of last night freaking out slightly about spending so much money and spending it on something I don't need. Prior to these my biggest purchases have been my dining table set, my KitchenAid and my mattress (all good buys!) All of those were saved for, paid on layby, etc. This was about as much money as those three put together. And all these things that we've been buying lately freak me out as well. We don't have this kind of money! We are not people who have that kind of money to spend! We can make do! Except that right now we do have the money. And we don't have to make do. Um.
I had something of the same reaction to going on holiday - how could I justify going on holiday? I don't work so why should I get to spend money on something frivolous and enjoyable? If I inherit some money, how can I justify spending some of it on something not actually necessary?
... who exactly am I justifying myself to? And if I can't have holidays and nice things because I'm disabled and can't work, when can I have those things? When I can work full-time? Well, I'd really love for that to become possible but it's not looking likely at the moment. So ... I can never have nice things then?
WTF, self?
